EMOTIONAL NEGLIGENCE

“I feel so empty”

“What is wrong with me?”

“Even after having everything, why does it feel I have nothing?”

“Why am I not happy as much as I should be?”

“I am a disappointment to my parents.”

Ever found yourself raising these questions? If yes, same pinch bestie. These are the self-questioning questions asked by every emotionally neglected child.

Emotional neglect is nothing like normal neglect. A parent can provide fully for the child, take them on vacations, take care of all the needs, even fulfill all the wants, but the child can still be emotionally neglected. Emotional neglect is the lack of emotional attune with the child. Unlike neglect, it is invisible and can continue for generations. To quote the book, Running on Empty by Jonice Webb “It dwells in the sins of omission than commission”. Emotional neglect is all about what was NOT said or what was NOT done. It can tamper the child in many ways. An emotionally neglected child blames themselves for everything. In their eyes, they are the problem because they are provided with everything and still they find ways to be unhappy. They know something is wrong with them, they know its inside and they know they feel empty but they cannot describe this is words.

If you also feel in a similar way, chances are you might be emotionally neglected. The upside to this is that it can be dealt with.

If you are a parent and think you have emotionally neglected your child, it is okay, you can still right the wrongs. These patterns are very difficult to identify and it is possible you couldn’t identify them because you were also emotionally neglected. No parenting style is wrong but it is important to ensure that the child is emotionally full filled. The following things can be considered to help your child-

• Connect with your child by asking their side of the story

• Listen to their problem actively. It might be deeper than what is visible to you

• Try to figure out the emotion they are facing and name it for them signifying you understand. For eg – “I understand you got angry when your younger brother shouted at you”

• Show empathy and compassion but also hold them accountable for their actions

All the child wants is to feel loved. Spontaneously give them a hug when you notice they look sad, ask them if they are okay, spend extra time with them if you feel they need it, talk to them or do something special when you see they are going through some transition like change of schools, a move, change of friendships, etc to let them know you notice and understand what they are going through, be aware in general what they are feeling.

It is possible that you were emotionally neglected as a child and you reflect it on your child too. To correct this, work on yourself first. Similar to the instructions you get in a flight “fix your oxygen mask first before helping others”, you cannot fill the void in your child before filling your own void.

If you are a child and your parents are not seeing how their emotional neglect is hurting you, it is you who has to make them realize it. Talk to them about your feelings and express in words what you are feeling. If they missed an important event like a football match or award ceremony, tell them you are sad they missed it, if they don’t spend much time with you, tell them you feel angry at that. Expressing what you are feeling will make you feel lighter and will help your parents understand you better.

Sometimes, healthy techniques, also known as coping mechanisms can help you deal with everything. After having a fight with my mom because she doesn’t seem to understand me or being angry at dad for some reason, these techniques make me come back to my normal self. Something as simple as listening to music, watching your comfort show, polishing your car or going for a walk can sooth you. . These coping mechanisms might help you calm down and think straight.

At last, it must be noted it is neither the fault of the parent, nor the fault of the child. The parent most of the times has the same feeling of emptiness as the child and it is very important to identify it. If this article wasn’t enough help, please try to refer a professional who would help both, the parent and child deal and improve.